personal essay: amy burtrum

Soul Connect

Connection is a word that we often associate with others and outside things.  Connection of ourselves with family, friends, activities, sounds, smells, tastes and experiences.  One of the most important connections we often forget about is a connection with ourselves.  I have chosen to connect with many experiences and people this past year but the strongest connection I made this year was with myself. 

The last several months I have connected with myself in a way that I did not know was possible.  In a way that I did not know I needed. I have cried more than I have ever cried in my life. Even as I type now the tears start to flow.  I have let years of emotions that I held in, stream down my face whenever they deem it necessary.  I had no idea how much I held in, how much my “be strong mantra” was really causing toxicity in my body. I always told myself to be strong, and that means different things to different people.  My interpretation of being strong was that I had to be emotionally strong.  I could not allow anyone to see my emotions.  I could not allow myself to feel anything. I did not have time to deal with it. I had to keep plowing through.  Crying and feeling took up too much time.  I had to get things done-or so I put that on myself.

I had to stay strong to run a business that was having immense problems. I had to stay strong to help my dad.  I had to appear strong for the employees.  I had to stay strong for my family, my daughter. I had to stay strong for the others.  I would allow myself to cry occasionally in the car or shower, but only briefly, I had to maintain my emotions and always keep it together.  Reconnecting with myself meant learning to think for myself and about myself, what did I want?

Out of life

Out of love

Out of friendships

Out of family

What Hobbies and interests were mine, what did I enjoy?? What had I Liked to please others? What are my dislikes? I have asked myself what I like, what do I need, what do I want, and most importantly…

What makes me happy?

These are questions I had never taken the time to ask myself-I usually just jumped feet first into whatever it was.  Never analyzing what I want.  Now I ask myself that all the time.  What is it that you want? Will this make you happy?  What is your plan?   I had to stay strong for my daughter and appear that everything was under control.  I had to tell myself the compromises I made were part of adulting, a part of having a working relationship and part of running a business.  I had let my emotions eat away at my soul.

I have started to self-analyze and have only begun to understand who I am and why I am the way I am.   I have begun to remove the many forms of denial that have come into my life.  Denial of who I am, what I am, and how I became what I am. I am trying to no longer deny myself of anything.  I am no longer denying myself of my emotions, my thoughts, my desires, my needs, and my wants.  I am beginning the journey of connecting with my true being.  Connecting to the who, what, where, and why of my being.  This reconnection with myself has been so powerful, so emotional, and so necessary.  I almost lost someone I really liked and someone who is very important in my world, – that was ME.