personal essay: emma friary
my wandering days aren’t over
At 15, it is impossible to imagine being 18. At 17 it was impossible. For me, I genuinely couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think it would happen to me. I thought somehow I would die before then because leaving the supposed comfort of home and school and the security I had my entire life could not be possible. The world of adulthood where people knew how to do things seemed impossible. How does one know how to find a doctor or fill out insurance paperwork? How do you figure out the terminals when arriving at an airport? How do you know what train to take? (I still have no idea how train stations work and please do not explain it to me, I will put trust in whoever I’m with to make sure I don’t end up lost. If I’m alone, I’m already lost.)
You spend a whole year going, “18 is impossible. It’s improbable. I’ll never make it. I have no idea how I’m making it to tomorrow.” This feeling could also be coming from anxiety as you’re sitting in a Denny’s a state away with your friends at 2am when your parents think you are safely in a sleeping bag at a friends house (Almost always, you are Denny’s). But then you are 18. And nothing is different. You instead feel fear for 21. You’ll be older then. And the fear grows. People are getting real jobs! How do you know what’s a real job? I went to school to be a teacher and walked out of the classroom with actual terror. Those are little beings! They’re looking at you for knowledge and guidance. All I know is that I am not sleeping enough and I think the dining hall lettuce gave me E. Coli. If I can’t figure out what kind of lettuce is safe, how in the hell do I teach these second graders about cumulus clouds?
Then you’re 21 and you have a job. You’re told it’s a real job and sure you’ve got insurance now which was easier to fill out than you thought (name. Address. Occupation) and a 401k you have no idea how to use. And now what? What is to fear? Sure, everyone’s getting married and having babies now but the lettuce incident is still fresh in your mind.
So you just start doing things.
You book a flight to Iceland in a bank parking lot because your friend said it’s a good idea and it was. You reconnect with old friends and rejoice at having never lost the love you had for their friendship. You go to a party at this friends house and have a love at first sight moment that leads to another meeting a year later and a year after that you own a house and animals together. Life continues.
And you’re wandering through life. There is no set direction, no ladder you particularly want to climb because the view from here is already spectacular. Suddenly the world has changed so drastically but you haven’t. Within yourself, you are the same person you were at 10 and 15 and 20 and 25 (although for two months you really thought you were 26 and only after doing the math learned you are 25 and have gained a year). Sure, you may have figured out how some things work but the pressure to keep up a facade on it has gone. You now know no one has much of an idea of what’s going on. How cruel to let children think there is another type of world, the “real world” in which they will automatically be able to figure things out.
Some people stride through life, one thing checked off after another on a straight path. But do they wander? Do they wake up in the middle of the night paralyzed by the fear that they could have taken it easy and perhaps had more fun?
At 25 I live the life I dreamed of having at 10. If my 10 year old self knew I regularly drove around to bookshops and up to the mountains with my love and dogs in the car listening to rock and roll, they’d probably burst into tears of gratitude. I do too sometimes when I think of it too much, such as now. Something has changed and the fear that came from expectations and wanting to be on top of the world is no longer. Having arrived at a destination I didn’t know I had, there is nothing but peace and the realization that it has been in me the entire time.
about the author: emma friary
Emma has graduated from university. She draws inspiration from her travels and experiences as well as from her favorite novels. She is currently writing a novel.
