personal essay: jes schafer
on marriage
Normally I don’t wax eloquent on Facebook, but since it’s our anniversary I thought I’d take the plunge.
I’m always taken aback, and yes, sometimes, a little annoyed, by people who say to me, "well, happy anniversary and congratulations on being married for so many years, but, like, it was so easy for you... I mean, you guys are different. You didn’t have to deal with really bad stuff..."
Generally, I smile and say, "right." And think to myself, "basically, my life is none of your business, so think what you like..."
Marriage is hard. Really hard. A long marriage is harder. Until it’s not.
Marriage means you have to work in tandem with another person, with absolutely no training, no guidebook, no idea, what is facing you in the future - including a time frame. (Sometimes you are blessed with a long future!) You have only a beginning, and it's an open door.
You have to learn to cope with family members you don’t know, and who don’t know you, new spousal friends, with whom you have nothing in common, and if things work out, children, who don’t come with an instruction manual.
I have said, over the years, many, many times, (usually on my anniversary) that a long marriage isn’t really one lo-ong marriage, but a series of tiny marriages. Some are good, some are great, some so-so, some memorable, and some are awful.
Once in a while, sometimes frequently, you face a moment of decision, a moment of choice and you have to decide, "yes or no."
There are always mitigating factors. Jobs. Children. Friends. Health. Family. Death. Just when you’re ready to bail, when you reach that intolerable point of no return, because you can’t stand another minute, one of those "moments" flashes in front of you, and tips the scales, and the choice is made.
And it’s a choice that two people make individually, not just one person.
Some moments are tragic and are almost unbearable, some bittersweet and heart wrenching, some are stupid, and absurd enough to make you squirm with embarrassment, some filled with tears, or grace or joy. Some choices are hard to make, and some are no-brainers. But, in a long marriage, you choose to hang in or just hang on.
There is no template. There is no answer. There is no short cut. There is only the two people, who each choose- at every crossroad, to either make it work, or walk away.
From my perspective, there are a few certainties in all marriages:
⁃ two people do not grow up at the same rate; (eventually, tho, you catch-up)
⁃ they both make poor choices (sometimes at the same time);
⁃ they both think they are right; (often not willing to change their stance)
⁃ forgiving is hard;
⁃ forgetting only comes with senility;
⁃ humor is an absolute necessity;
⁃ believing the other person will change is probable magical thinking.
Over the years, love is redefined over and over again, it is, for sure, charmingly unrecognizable from that long ago "I do." It morphs into "I will." Sometimes it just becomes "I am." But thankfully it has grown and it still exists.
about the writer: jes schafer
jes lives on the isle of Corfu with her husband mentioned above. she’s a book-lover, a mother, a grandmother, and one of my heroes.
