personal essay: lisa santine
The Gift and the Wisdom of Transformation
It comes in like a tidal wave, unexpectedly, surprisingly, and with no warning. Let me back up though. Because It doesn't start off that way.
Perhaps at first we unassumingly watch it from afar. Every so often, raising our head, eyeing it, as it hints to us that it is gracefully easing towards us. We think to ourselves, "When it nears, I will ask it to leave." Because after-all, staying the course is what we are told. But we forget that storms are here for us and we’ve to clear the air for better things that may lie ahead. Then it gets louder and a bit more forceful. "There is no room for you here. I am in a comfortable place and I surely do not need you in my life." Or so we think. It is an uncomfortable feeling to move out of sync with our desired expectations.
But the Universe has another plan. I will call it a gift. And life is about to get interesting the moment the shifting winds start to emerge. This is where the magic resides.
In May, of 2019, I was the recipient of one of these gifts. I have received several of these gifts throughout my lifetime, as we all have. But this gift was different. This one was undoubtedly the greatest gift I’ve ever received until that moment. Of course I didn’t see it as a gift at first... but it didn’t take long for me to know that this was from a higher presence...the Universe...an energetic wisdom...shaking me and waking me up.
Unbeknownst to me, I had just unwrapped the gift of transformation.
This gift was given to me in the form of pain. Not just intense physical, excruciating pain... like I have never felt before... like I never imagined I would feel... not just the deafening sound that pain often brings with it... and makes it almost tangible. Not only the torturous, imprisoning physical pain I feel that brings tears to my eyes... and brings tears to the eyes of my immediate family because they see and hear me as I am immersed in the shackles of it, trying to endure it for what seems like an eternity...but also intense emotional and mental pain.
Pain is pain. And when it is present at its highest and most intense degree... it is transformative. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Transformation has a value and a purpose and a wisdom.
Transformation has no time and space associated with it (while we are going through it). it is ongoing and non-linear. And just as you believe it is nearing an end, the tidal wave rears its head once again.
With this transformation, I had no choice but to get introspective..to the depths of my soul. I had passionate and heated conversations with the Universe... first arguing... then surrendering.
This gift changed me... Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
This transformative experience taught me courage... by allowing myself and my vulnerabilities to be seen. To cry and face fear... to grieve and let go. To put on my lipstick, a pretty dress, and move forward.
This transformative experience taught me compassion...by first feeling the compassion towards myself. Honoring and loving myself and my body. Surrendering to whatever was about to happen. And then feeling the compassion and love towards others.
This transformative experience taught me joy... by acknowledging the sorrow and allowing myself to feel the despair and grief. And by going through those emotions, I was lead to a place of gratitude.
I had to shift my perspective from ‘why is this happening to me?’ To ‘what is this teaching me?’ Because as I am told ‘The Universe won’t give you more than you can handle.’ And I know that there is a lesson here and I will get through this.
The physical manifestation of this transformative experience lead to finding out I had a very serious infection for several months that was life threatening.. this lead to a spinal chord injury which required an emergency spinal surgery... and the cherry on top was paralysis of my left leg.
During this experience, I discovered my village... the people who took care of me. I found new friendships... and rekindled old friendships that have since strengthened.
The message: When you show up for people as your true authentic self... they show up for you.
This transformation allowed me to shift out of my old self, the one I thought I was supposed to be, the one I was TAUGHT to be, into my real self.
But just like a caterpillar, in order to allow the transformation to occur, we must go within and go through the uncomfortable and murky 'stuff' that lays deep within. We must allow it to come up and virtually disintegrate. This metamorphosis is difficult, disturbing and painful. What emerges is a delicate and beautiful translucency of who we are supposed to be. This is what was uncovered after I dusted away the remnants of the person I was. The one who I thought was invincible. And what I found in return was a raw, malleable, and gentle part of myself who was willing to allow the tidal wave to take me wherever it thought I needed to go.
Several months have passed since my transformation, and now, I have now seen the world go through this excruciating and painful transformative experience collectively.
I watch as the beautiful human collective gets pushed and pulled by the tidal waves of transformation. We practice radical acceptance for each and every soul on this planet as some resist, and it makes the job of the Universe more difficult, while others allow.
We all have a purpose while we are living our human experience. During my own transformative moments, I understand my purpose more powerfully. And if we see in others a reflection of ourselves and our experiences... then I can say that I am living my purpose. Because what I saw during my moments of extreme transformation was love, compassion, empathy, kindness and positivity from friends... family... and strangers.
Humans are amazing and incredible. The love I feel from everybody I come into contact with reminds me that if you extract from us the most basic and primal desire, emotion, and need...we all just want to feel love, give love, and be loved.
My transformation has lead me to my purpose, which is not to teach love... but to show love. My purpose is to live love. And by doing this, i know that the love we give out will come back to us..multi-fold.
I am sharing a piece of myself... vulnerable and authentic. Not ‘Perfect’...but real and full of flaws and not hiding them. Not ‘Strong’.., but brave and never giving up.
Not ‘Always be positive no matter what’.... but feeling the sadness, crying when I need to... and feeling grateful and optimistic. Feeling happy and joyful.
I allow transformation to come into my life. In all its forms. I will allow the gift to present itself...and I allow the transformation to continue. I wish the same for our collective. And as we transform, may we continue to dance, sing, laugh, build, create, and love.. no matter what.
I befriend the transformation... I thank it... and I move forward in TRUTH.. in JOY... in GRATITUDE... and in LOVE.
And I will be ok.
We all will be ok.
Sending love to everyone.
