essay / photo: katalin pusztaszeri

-CLOSEDCIRCUIT-

On a clear morning....

As the daylight breaks through the wrinkly pleats and dense textures of the sun-faded black curtains and the sharp rays shine on the inside surface of the dirty dish I had accidentally left on the table in the evening before...I realize that insects have attempted mass suicide in my close proximity.

A couple of cloths moths have been drowning in a gulp of wild cherry juice I have left in a bowl on my desk. Imagine how could a simple attraction turns into a fatal swoop, a nose dive into the endless sweet.

I am staring at the floating bodies during minutes...observing their crumbled dissolving figures emerging into the red sticky juice...and the black exhaust tail (their guts) they had left in the dense red liquid.

When the long-term agony starts the corpses are drifting on the sides of bowl...forming silver- grey circles on bone white porcelain.

Dead bodies in circles...neutered electric circuits in the brain...it reminds me to Papez's experiment on episodic memory and emotional experiences.

Brooding thoughts are extruding inside...these questions pop up immediately :

Do I have to save those harmful creatures or let them die slowly?

Is my mind drowning in the swirl of bad negative life-events...gasping for oxygen, gasping for new life?  Are we living in true dimensions? Or just in parallel spinning time-segments of our past memories? Do we strain after change, to reverse the cycle or break through from circles closing to an end?

I hate circles...or cycles...

Seasons Universe
Day or Night
Past and Present
Life or Death

where it begins finally ends... then recommences again like blood or fluid-circulation in organs.

If I could break those circles or turn back cycles.

I wish...

I could jump through of life-cycles.
I could avoid social circles.
I could ruin dream cycles.
I could break in personal circles.
I could cut out emotional cycles.

The Serpent always biting its back end. I wish I could cross the tail of sneak over its mouth...and gut out Ouroboros.

Moths live and work in cycles and bad relationships happen the same way.

Moths are biting out the fabric of my clothes. I kill one for nothing as a colony sustains itself...others lay eggs and eggs hatch larvae, larvae turns into adults.

Bad relationships are eating up the texture of my soul...I end one and other nightmare comes by offering the same shit. They are replicating cyclically.

Back to the moth example:

Jammed in the sweet syrup, those sticky wings would never lift the fuzzy grey creatures up into air anymore. Their fates are sealed. Those relationships fucked up by the beginning are producing the same suffocation.

So what if I let those moths  sinking and drowning in that shallow red gluey substance...without any self-ripping guilt... and acting similarly in case of toxic relationships.

I could break the cycle and shut down the circuit.

about the author and photographer: katalin pusztaszeri

Katalin Pusztaszeri is an art professional and photographer living in Budapest, Hungary. She started taking photographs in 2013, as a part of her recovery from a spinal cord surgery. In the beginning, she used photography as neuro-feedback to alter her attention from pain and anxiety. She realized that by means of creation, she has been able to release all of the suppressed and latent feelings she felt were clogged in her body throughout the years. At this point, creating pictures has become an urgent and utmost need to convey her thoughts and ideas toward the outside world.